thursday -- 12/15/11 -- 10:17 am

fuck.. i justwent back adn looked at the lastpost on here.... over a year

it's sad how easily i drop thinkgs if i falter, evenalittle from my setcourse of action.

oh no i missed a day in a dailyblog? it's inconsistant, therefoer making my skipped day ruin the entirity of the project, making me nothave to keep up anymore

or it's "oh it's just 1 day, i can come back from that, oh 2 days isnt that big of a deal, i can come back, no problem... 3 days?.. na, im good, i can still pull thru.. .fuck it;s been a month, there's no coming back from this, i guess i failed,, again"

but over a year later, here i am,,, idk

i just dont know what to do

should i start it again and have ittake over my time again?
shouldi do this whole 365 thing onyoutube like i've been wantting to do?
should i do a "thing a week" thing like i did a couple years back?
but that failed to... i had to change it to "oh, i'll just makesure that it equals the same number. that i got.. barely

i always think that by doing something where alot of ppl can see me it means they will see me, and that i'll become famous, u know, make something of myself, but deep down i know it'll never happen

well.. that's enough about me... let's talk about me instead..
moreover, the me in my life recently so i can maybe start this up again, maybe try the youtube thing.. who knows

btu ya... so i alsmost didnt fail at school this semester... i made it til the end
but i've seemed to have lost sight of the things i truely love, in my life... like my friends, i dont talk to my maybe kinda gf that much.. idk if wejust kinda fizzled or if were still whatever... tho if we fizzed away, there'smuch worse ways to go about become single again.
i've also lost heart in the theatre, my greatest love...
i've lost sight of building things, the smell of sawdust and paint, the sould as the table saw slices a sheet of plywood in twain, the feel of a screwgun plowing the screw home, completeing somethign that's worth while, and meaningful...

anyway.. it's exam week... i at least held off failign til the end, witch in some ways is better, i finished the semester, but on the flip side, i put forth all that effort onlyto have to crumble atthe end

it's like im running a race, and i twist my ancle adn fall 5 feet from the finish, and i slied with my out streched arm mere inches from victory... but i finished the race.. i guess that's somethimg

maybe typing this agin like i used to will help put me back where i belong, help me find my motivation, my muse

tho, one good thing that cameout of this year.. i've started writing again.. adn it's not to bad.. not bad at all, even

but ya... i'll leave u wit ha line from a poem that'll probably never b truely finished, or apreciated for whatit is...


please, oh dearest darkness, please hold back my foes
Til I have need of them again