so... things i noticed that suck about not doing this for a year...
1)if i actually remembered what haoppened this last year i'd have to post a big long dealio to tell u how i've been.

2)also.. i've forgotten the names i was useing to not have ppl's names used
but side note, i forgot some while i was typing it daily... so whatever...


but ya.. so in this post...lets have jim and elizabeth b the names

jim and beth r married, they have a 2 year old kid
normally i dislike them both.
they constantly point out what failures i have currently in my life, things i should have done by now, things i should have by now

but today, jim got kudos points... beth was all "whats ur class schedual for next semster? tomorrow im taking u to macdonalds for a job. do u want a job?"

i'm fed up with her by this point so i said "ya i want a job, it'll make ppl shut up about it" she kept pushing and jim was like "hey, leave him alone, beth. just leave him alone"

this really surprised me... so new standing,, still hate beth, jim is on the upward journey, but he's definately in the green now., so jim, cause i know u wont see this... thanks for sticking up for me, there... it was a noble thing u've done and i have a newfound respect for u, sir... thanks again

now that that's over with... u may b asking "y were they there in the first place?"

well, there's this bothersome american holiday called christmas, ppl pretend to b happy, and the stores say there's this fatty named santa, he sneaks in ur house late at night when ur sleeping and leaves u shit or doesnt based on an unseen moral handbook he must have.

anyway. i'll satop b4 that becomes a rant..

but ya.. we had a christmas party today with the whole family,,, the whole drama filled, disfunctional family :/

ya, so fuck his whole stupid family, there was tention the whole time
doc was here. always hidden drama with my mom, with everyone...
and my grandma was here, always something with her...
fuck them all.. they wonder y i try to just live in my room away from them all.
dont bug them, dnt cause drama
the most i do is "hey, shallow mind, we'regoing to doc's to see his new baby, wanna come?"
"nokt really, i'll never see it anyway, and im sure it loosk lie ka baby, just liek everyother baby ever. also dad'll take so many stupid pictures u cna make a damn movie... i'll wait for that"

so i admit it partly my fault i never see them, butr it's mostly theirs
their first kid is almost 3, i've seen him only a handful of times, and honestly, idc, more than that... i couldnt care less

but ya,, imn surprised by the whole deal,, no actual drama, well.. beth's kid, who's here everyweek.. probably should give a name... willie, or soem varient,,, ok.. so willie
is here everyweek, he was a bit "bitch them is my toys, nigga!" as much as a non black 2 year old can

so basicly he was cranky and just stuck with hsi mom and dad most of the time
til he got on the rocking horse that i am told was used by all us kids when we were little,, idk

bu ya,, this is becoming alot longer than i think i want, and it looks like this is gonan turn into "my day plus self reflection things, so b warned about that, i'll try not to have the self-reflection, but we'll see what happens

link of the day is actually the song i've been repeating the whole time i've been writing this...

"if i ever leave this world alive" by Flogging Mollly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xql8CKE_9oI

oh... and for my friend, this is just for u, cause i know u'll like it just as much as i do fir the same reason...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TamOrADrhwc
only linkedthat for the video, and cause it;s the same song as the other one
lol
side note... there's morespelling mistakes cause i got a laptop the other day, not used the keyboard yet :P

quote wil b from the song..
"where ever i am you'll always be more than just a memory, if i ever leave this world alive"

thursday -- 12/15/11 -- 10:17 am

fuck.. i justwent back adn looked at the lastpost on here.... over a year

it's sad how easily i drop thinkgs if i falter, evenalittle from my setcourse of action.

oh no i missed a day in a dailyblog? it's inconsistant, therefoer making my skipped day ruin the entirity of the project, making me nothave to keep up anymore

or it's "oh it's just 1 day, i can come back from that, oh 2 days isnt that big of a deal, i can come back, no problem... 3 days?.. na, im good, i can still pull thru.. .fuck it;s been a month, there's no coming back from this, i guess i failed,, again"

but over a year later, here i am,,, idk

i just dont know what to do

should i start it again and have ittake over my time again?
shouldi do this whole 365 thing onyoutube like i've been wantting to do?
should i do a "thing a week" thing like i did a couple years back?
but that failed to... i had to change it to "oh, i'll just makesure that it equals the same number. that i got.. barely

i always think that by doing something where alot of ppl can see me it means they will see me, and that i'll become famous, u know, make something of myself, but deep down i know it'll never happen

well.. that's enough about me... let's talk about me instead..
moreover, the me in my life recently so i can maybe start this up again, maybe try the youtube thing.. who knows

btu ya... so i alsmost didnt fail at school this semester... i made it til the end
but i've seemed to have lost sight of the things i truely love, in my life... like my friends, i dont talk to my maybe kinda gf that much.. idk if wejust kinda fizzled or if were still whatever... tho if we fizzed away, there'smuch worse ways to go about become single again.
i've also lost heart in the theatre, my greatest love...
i've lost sight of building things, the smell of sawdust and paint, the sould as the table saw slices a sheet of plywood in twain, the feel of a screwgun plowing the screw home, completeing somethign that's worth while, and meaningful...

anyway.. it's exam week... i at least held off failign til the end, witch in some ways is better, i finished the semester, but on the flip side, i put forth all that effort onlyto have to crumble atthe end

it's like im running a race, and i twist my ancle adn fall 5 feet from the finish, and i slied with my out streched arm mere inches from victory... but i finished the race.. i guess that's somethimg

maybe typing this agin like i used to will help put me back where i belong, help me find my motivation, my muse

tho, one good thing that cameout of this year.. i've started writing again.. adn it's not to bad.. not bad at all, even

but ya... i'll leave u wit ha line from a poem that'll probably never b truely finished, or apreciated for whatit is...


please, oh dearest darkness, please hold back my foes
Til I have need of them again